One perk of being a teacher is that I get to see the wildest love triangles and relationship rollercoasters and I don’t even need to watch a soap opera while waiting for my car check-up at the auto shop.
And I’m pretty sure these 6th graders have ten times more drama than Days of Our Lives.
For whatever reason, I am often privy to the latest pair-ups and break-ups. But what’s consistently so shocking is the short amount of time between the pair-ups and break-ups. Yes, dating for more than a month is considered getting serious. Or as serious as two insecure prepubescents can get.
On Wednesday, Girl #1 (who is dating one of the few decent 6th-grade boys) excitedly told me that her friend, Girl #2, had a boyfriend. This friend is not in my class but I have gotten to know her because she’s friends with my kids and constantly tries to join my class. Later, Girl #2, herself told me the news as well. It was such a monumental occasion because this was her first boyfriend and she was beaming with joy.
And then let’s fast forward to Thursday. Literally the next day.
Girl #1 tells me that Girl #2 wants to break up with her boyfriend. Why for, you may ask, well, it’s because Girl #2 now has a crush on someone else. Diamonds are forever, but apparently 6th-grade relationships struggle to make it two days.
From what I’ve gathered, most of these 6th-grade relationships break up because someone develops a crush on a new person—sometimes there is “cheating” involved and sometimes they break up so that they don’t have to cheat when they move on. [Author’s note: it seems like cheating is defined as “messaging another girl/guy on Instagram or Snapchat while in a relationship with another girl/guy”]
It’s not just 6th graders who like to keep their options open and who chase after every new stirring in their heart—it’s all of us. In a have it your way world where Reese’s introduces a new spin-off flavor like every month, we love our choices. We like running from thing to new thing to experience that excited high.
Behavior economist Dan Airely in his book Predictably Irrational tested our desire to keep doors open with a series of tests that involved different, virtual doors. Each door had a random range of cents attached to them that participants in the study could earn based on clicks. So the idea was to find the door with the highest payout and keep clicking.
But when the test started eliminating doors that you hadn’t clicked on in a while, participants paniced. Most people started jumping from door to door just to keep them all open. His study revealed that most people missed out on huge payouts because of all the jumping around. The best strategy—though the one few people took—was to do minimal experimention, find a pretty good door, and keep clicking for that payout for the rest of the came.
Commitment and contentment was the key. Chasing after a possiblity was the worst strategy.
In running back and forth among the things that might be important, we forget to spend enough time on what really is important. It’s a fool’s game, and one that we are remarkably adept at playing.
-Dan Ariely, Predictably Irrational
Unfortunately, our brains are wired for novelty and we’ve been taught too much to follow our hearts. Like the 6th graders, we don’t like to get tied down and hop from new experience to new experience. In the wake of all the change, we miss out on the greatest experiences of our lives.
More is not always better. It’s a hard truth that I still struggle to accept. I am someone who wants to seek THE BEST. I want the best job. The best relationship. The best book. The best physical physique.
I really like to be the best.
Yet what happens too often is that in search of the best, we waste time jumping around. Sometimes, surely, a little experimention is good. Too often, however, we experiment more than we experience. We go from diet to diet or from relationship to relationship trying to find some mythical spark—
—when in relatity, sometimes we have to settle with good enough and invest in it so that it becomes pretty great. It’s about the long game, not the short game.
It’s a lost Chrisitan art to just stick it out. To stop bouncing around and just settle in. Even in less-than-ideal situations.
Paul writes,
…for I have learned to be content whatever the circumstances. I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want. I can do all this through him who gives me strength. (Phil. 4:11-13)
The secret to contentment and closing the other doors that don’t matter is God. God gives us strength to keep going. And elsewhere in Phillipians, Paul shows us that it’s really valuable to zero in on a future goal and start running.
I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus. (Phil. 3:14)
Truly, I don’t want people to suffer and there are things we just shouldn’t stick too. But if our motivation to chase the next thing is novely, we should probably look into our hearts and really examine where our priorities are.
If we keep chasing after thing after thing hoping to truly be satisfied, we are going to fail.
The teacher of Ecclesiates reminds us that he tried living a life of experimention but it all came up empty.
I denied myself nothing my eyes desired; I refused my heart no pleasure. My heart took delight in all my labor, and this was the reward for all my toil. Yet when I surveyed all that my hands had done and what I had toiled to achieve everything was meaningless, a chasing after the wind; nothing was gained under the sun. (Ecc. 2:10-11)
The point of Ecclesiates is to remind us that there is nothing we can do to find meaning, not through toil, riches, or even wisdom. What were are looking for isn’t out there. That’s vanity—like trying to catch the wind, something you can never do. Instead, the teacher suggests that the only meaning in life comes from our connection with God.
Now all has been heard; here is the conclusion of the matter: Fear God and keep his commandments, for this is the duty of all mankind. For God will bring every deed into judgment, including every hidden thing, whether it is good or evil. (Ecc. 12:!3-14)
We need to stop chasing the next high. Sometimes we need to settle with pretty good, and watch that blossom into something beautiful. Studies show that in all kinds of areas, from marriages to careers, that satisfication increases over time. If we just stick it out.
Closing doors is a must. Saying “That’s my person no matter what” or “this is my career path” or “I’m going to be a diehard fan of X sports team forever” can be extraordinarily helpful. Sure, there could have been other paths we take in life. Maybe something else would make us happier. But I’m not sure it’s worth it to take that chance.
There is a great consquence to not deciding. It means we miss out on the here and now. It means we will never be happy because chasing something else is our drug and we have an addiction.
I’m preaching to myself here. Except for my marriage where I am ride or die until death due us part, in the realm of careers I’m a mess with changing my mind. So I’m learning that I need to just point and shoot. To keep with pretty good and give up the fanciful notion that just over the hill is something better—because when I get there, I’ll just think something is even better over the next hill.
The secret to contentment and committment is God. Let’s lean on our savior when the shiny objects distract us.
Question of the Week
Reply in the comment section below or reply to this email.
How have you found that “sticking it out” has benefited you in your life?
My “Goings On”
What books I’ve finished this week: Erasing Hell by Francis Chan and Preston Sprinkle and Mindfulness for Beginners by Jon Kabat-Zinn
My middle grade novel is coming—stay tuned!
Stay the course,
Jake Doberenz
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Update: according to sources close to the matter, the new relationship mentioned above only lasted one and a half days.